Happy Father’s Day to my two dads: Andrew (Andy) Bowman and Hamat (Bukary) Sallah. For my Father’s Day post I decided to interview my two dads. It’s been a fun paternal comparison from two different parts of the world. But I am so glad to have two strong role models of men and humans in my life. I am reminded by this interview of how much I still have to learn from both my dads.
My two dads on my family’s recent visit to the Gambia.
First, a little bit about my dads. Andy is 61 and has been a father since he was 34 years old. He has three children from 23 (almost 24!) to 27. He is a city planner, grew up near Detroit, MI and currently lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Hamat is 43 and has been a father since he was 22. He has eight children from 1 (almost 2!) to 21. He is a teacher and farmer. He grew up and lives currently in Misera, the Gambia.
The Interview:
What is your favorite memory of your own father?
Andy: I think it had to be his famous motorcycle ride. A friend of his at work (who ended up marrying his niece Suzy) brought his big new motorcycle to our little house in a freshly minted subdivision in sprawling Novi, Michigan. His friend was a young hefty man with a humor similar to his own (Bowman humor), and Dad was always talking about Terrell. My dad was never one to let his inability to walk get in the way of anything, so he agreed enthusiastically when Terrell asked if he wanted a ride. The logistics were quickly hatched (no sense over thinking a senseless act), and they made themselves ready – much to the dismay of his wife (my mom) and the delight of his 3 young sons. He lifted Dad out of his wheelchair, positioned him on the seat and fixed his feet on the foot pegs. I would guess my two older brothers might have helped, but his legs were permanently in a bent position so he fit the bike just fine. The minor indignity of his being lifted on the bike disappeared as soon as Terrell mounted the driver’s position, righted the machine and started it up. A huge smile spread across my dad’s face as he donned his cool sunglasses, hugged his friend and readied for his ride. Terrell fired up his bike, gave a few deeply bellowing revs of the engine and took off. Dad looked so cool, happy and NOT a victim of the American polio scourge. Thanks to my Mom for that memory as well since she did not employ a wife/mom override and stop this event. The story is anti-climatic for the reader since the ride went without a hitch. But for this man and his family, it was far from that!
Hamat: I cannot remember him. I was 2 when he died. I don’t know how he looked. He was a tailor. My mom kept a cap he’d sewn. I would look at it sometimes. It is somehow different than how they sew caps today. I use that to think of him.
Did you feel prepared to become a father? (Why or why not?)
Andy: Yes, but prepared is not how it felt. It may have been similar to the way my dad was “prepared” for the motorcycle ride in the story above. It was kind of a leap of faith but maybe more like a leap of nature. By 34, I knew myself pretty well and, with that many years living a human life, I had a lot of training for the job. Having children and raising a family, despite our best efforts to over-think it, is in essence an act of nature. If you feel ready to fully share what and who you are, having children is amazingly easy and rewarding. It is not like sharing your life (as with a lover, companion or spouse). It is a creative act in that one is creating another human being (from scratch in our case). But it is mostly the ultimate act of giving… not sharing, but giving. I had the great fortune of sharing that portion of my life with such a wonderful brood, but it was the act of giving myself fully to the formation of their human nature that is the most rewarding.
Dad, Kam, and I on a Father’s Day from many moons ago.
Hamat: No. Traditionally, you marry and sit for some years in your father’s compound before you start bearing children. For me, it was different. My biological father past away when I was 2 years old so I was raised by my step father. When I married, I started bearing children. This made me a responsible person at an early age.
Dad and my baby brother Lamin.
Why did you become a father?
Andy: I was ready, (as mentioned above), and I had recently committed myself to sharing my life with a loving partner who complimented my ability to be a father biologically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, etc., etc.
Hamat: Because I married and bore children. As far as life is concerned, I always knew I would be a father.
What is the best part about being a father?
Andy: The successful lives of my children. Not economic success, but the exertion of their respective capabilities in living a good human life. It is the kind of reward that makes one feel like they passed the last great ordeal of their membership to humanity.
Hamat: When you bear children and they grow up – they help providing some of the needs.
What is the most difficult part about being a father?
Andy: I think all parents, from all cultures, would agree on this one. It is letting your children learn from failure without remedial interventions.
Hamat: Providing the necessary things – clothing them, feeding them, giving shelter.
What are you proud of?
Andy: My children, of course. But not so much all the details of their new lives (though I am very happy about that and feel a smaller sense of pride). I am most proud of them as having responded so well to their mother’s and my way of raising them. I think we were all a part of a successful family and we all enriched each other’s lives in the process. They are making good decisions for their lives, contributing to society, and remain an ongoing part of the story of our family as well. I could not be prouder!
Hamat: My age-mates also are fathers. I am proud of bearing children, especially boys. Some people become fathers and don’t bear children.
What item is indispensable for a father?
Andy: Permeability. It is sometimes hard for men to open up and fully share their lives with their family. It is also hard to recognize what their children (and life partners for that matter) give back as elements for their lives. Fathers have to train themselves to allow the flow of experiences and feelings in both directions.
Hamat: Eh! Is it not food?
What advice do you have for young fathers?
Andy: Commit to becoming an integral part of a family, especially during child rearing years. Creating or adopting children makes one a father in name only. It is the founding of a functional family that really makes one a father. Active participation in this ultimate creative act is at least a 20 year proposition. In our fast changing world it is getting much harder to determine exactly what will happen with the next 20 years of your life, so it is even more important today to make a specific and strong commitment to participating in the creation and fulfillment of a family before becoming a parent.
Hamat: They should plan before marrying. They should get prepared. Because the generation today is quite different than before when you had a large family in order to go to the farm and cultivate big land. Now we are in the modern world, having a large family is always a problem. You should plan to minimize difficult living conditions. Some men think Allah will provide everything if you bear children. But it’s not so. You have to struggle to provide food and shelter for your children. It will not be easy. Traditionally, when you become a father, dependency is very high because we believe in social living. Some of the family will always depend on you. So I think planning for your future before being a father can minimize those problems.
How do you think being a father in the US is different/similar to being a father in the Gambia?
Andy: I think much of what I have talked above is shared between our cultures. However, I think one big difference is in the way fathers allow their children to fail (learn). In the US, it seems like fathering is looked at as an attribute of judgment. I think Americans in general tend to see the world through their own individual lives and put the performance of their children on display as a sign of their own personal success or failure. This leads to overprotective parents fearful of diminishing returns on their children if they don’t attend the right school, or win the prize at the game, or wear the right clothing, or get the right grades, or get the right car, job, etc., etc. These are all signs of success in the US and in some ways make it seem like we now even commodify family life like everything else we do.
In the Gambia, it seemed like children must learn the skills of survival as part of daily life. Their success is sustenance for both for themselves and their families. Children are agents of the family and help make things happen. Successful families appear to be ones with lots of children. Fathering also seemed more like a management technique, (they are makers of key family decisions while the wives and children carry out the menial tasks of daily living). In subsistence conditions, there may be little time for cultural learning outside the family or village and aesthetics or artistic enjoyment are made more a part of daily life in the compound (singing, dancing, clothing, etc.).
In America, there has been a new awareness of missing a vital organic form of learning – exploring the world! It is called “free range” parenting. It is so odd to think that we have so overprotected or children and insulated ourselves from adversity that we have to re-learn how important it is to freely explore the world and grapple with survival. On the other hand, while visiting my daughter in the Gambia, I was heartened to see many important efforts for creating infrastructure and schools and a concerted emphasis on education and other cultural advancement for all Gambians. Perhaps both of our respective cultures have lots to learn (or re-learn) and so much of it surrounds the value of creating good, healthy families.
Hamat: Here, people like being fathers and bearing so many children to have a large family. In the US, I think they plan. Here, we don’t plan, we just jump and get into it.
My dads working together to create a meal in my compound during my family’s visit. (Thanks for the photo, Dan Tanner)
Thanks to both my dads!
The Gambia Files 